Connection Ministry

corsageCall me sentimental, but I really wanted  my son to experience senior prom. It was such a memory for me and seemed like a rite of passage not to be missed. One final hurrah with friends before you head off into young adulthood. So I was disappointed when he initially said, “No, I’m not going to that!” About two weeks later he casually asked my husband and me what the rules were for prom night. Trying not to act too excited that he had actually decided to go, I laid out our expectations.

  • As long as we know where you are, you don’t have a curfew. (There were plans to have a big bonfire at someone’s house after leaving prom.)
  • Call us if you have been drinking and we will pick you up, no questions asked.

These certainly weren’t the rules when I was growing up and I wonder if that is partly because of my generation, but maybe it was more because I was a young woman. I know that as a young man, my grandfather gave my father the same guidelines about drinking that I gave my son. The expectations for me were much more strict. 11:00 p.m. curfew–no drinking, definitely no after-party.

I suspect that there was a desire to protect me, like I was incapable for standing up for myself or somehow would be taken advantage of by my date. Funny, but the last thing I said to my son before he left for prom was that he was responsible for making sure his date was comfortable and felt safe. I told him that it didn’t matter if the rest of the group was having fun, staying out late or partying, if her rules were different than his, he had to follow those rules.

Upon reflection, I realize I didn’t say these things because I felt like his date couldn’t take care of herself. I can’t imagine my son going out with anyone who wasn’t strong and intelligent. I said these things because it is important to me that my son knows that when we are in relationship with another person, we have a responsibility to ensure they are taken care of, that they feel safe and heard. That is marriage, that is family, that is dating, that is friendship, that is our church.

The connections we make with other human beings are sacred. Connections should be nurtured and respected. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every connection we made with another person was rooted in the sacred act of tending to the needs of the other person? If we could approach each new encounter with curiosity and openness, rather than fear? If we set about the task of building connections in order to really understand and honor the other person, not view their experience through our own lens?

Our world has enough people pushing their ideas on others, expecting them to fall in line and shaming them when they don’t. It isn’t always an easy task to let go of our own agendas in our relationships, old or new. (A point I made above as I secretly wished for my son to attend prom.) As I create connections in my new home, I hope I remember to listen more than I talk, to be curious and open, and to remember the sacred responsibility of being in relationship with another human being. Maybe it can be my new ministry!

Familying Our Way

March's theme - JOURNEYS

Click here for March, Journeys

I spent the last two days in a workshop about “faith formation.” There were a few UU colleagues present as well but most of the folks attending were Christian ministers or educators or lay leaders. So my colleagues and I spent a lot of time “translating” the language into Unitarian Universalism. My definition was “whatever wakes you up and kicks your butt.” (More on that in a sermon later.) But the definition that was shared that I found really useable for UU’s is, “ Finding one’s story. The story that sustains you and helps sustain the universe- a road map for living a good life.”

For us to find our stories, our lives need to be “anchored in a seedbed of relationships.” At all ages and stages of our lives, we need a network of relationships that go with us and accompany us on our journeys. The workshop facilitator called that network of relationships “familying.” The relationships that have the perhaps the most influence on our development as human beings are the blood ties: our biological families or the family structure that we are raised in, blood or adoptive or chosen. Then there are the household relationships that affect our development: the relationships we have with those whom we live with. And finally there are the essential relationships of our “chosen family:” those who we have gathered into our hearts. This is the pool of relationships upon which we can draw to build foundational, sustaining, nurturing relationships.

I also learned that research shows that there are 5 moments in daily life that contribute to households and families functioning and liking one another. Moments that lay the groundwork for deeper, more connective relationships:

Moment 1: Exits and Entries: how do you and those you share a household or life with take leave of one another and enter common space together after absence? Are there words exchanged? Physical contact made like a hug? Eye contact? A text or Facebook message? Pay attention to these as a moment of connection.

Moment 2: Bedtime: how does your household wind down the day? Are folks in bed glued to screens? Is there any snuggling or reading out loud to one another or talking to one another? A Walton’s moment goodnight exchange? Or do folks retire separately without any words or connection?

Moment 3: Mealtime: yes I know that is become somewhat of an endangered phenomenon. Could it be reclaimed in some way? Could all media devices be turned off and actual conversation be had. Not as in, “How was school today, “ or “How was your day,” but perhaps, “what are you grateful for today?” Or, “what went right for you today?”  Connection with real live voices.

Moment 4: Car time:  Most of us in this area spend an inordinate amount of time in our cars going hither and yon, often with kids in our cars. What if we didn’t put in the DVD or didn’t all slap in ear buds or have our faces buried in our phones? What if we talked? I used to travel with youth and always banned the radio or walk persons. I made them tell me stories. Sometimes we picked a theme as in tell me a story from your life involving water. Or tell me something from when you were 6. Stories are connection.

Moment 5: Memory Making Moments: moments in household life that cry out to be remembered -the moments that just happen. We create a shared history and ties by retelling stories of events that involved folks. This happens for friends and family and even co-workers. They build upon each other, deepening ties and connections.

We are a relational species. We have need of one another. We find our own stories and develop our own road map by the journeys we travel in the company of relationships. So seize the 5 moments of potential connection in each day. Find your peeps and carry on…

Peace, Shalom, Salaam,

Rev. Lo