by WUUC | Nov 12, 2014 | Minister Blog
The winter issue of the UU World is up online now and the hard copies will be arriving in our mailboxes shortly. The article by Kimberly French entitled “Offenders Among Us” explores the question congregations being open to both the victims of sexual abuse and the perpetrators of sexual abuse. She says that when this issue arose in her home congregation, emotions ran hot and high. They struggled with how to balance “the need for both safety and compassion.”
Many of us think of churches and congregations as the ultimate safe (perhaps the only safe) place in our lives. Raising the facts of sexual abuse in society (25% of all girls and 5% of boys in the U.S. having experienced sexual abuse or assault by the age of 17) means raising it in our churches, our “safe” place. And various studies report that between 5% and 20% of males have touched a child sexually. One in every 33 males is sexually attracted to child whether or not they act on it. French then goes on to state, “Even the lowest estimate means almost all of us live near, work alongside, go to church with, and interact regularly with child abusers.” Statistically she concludes, even small congregations contain both victims and abusers.
Facts are facts. And I understand that French is trying to get UU’s to at least start the conversation about the realities of sexual abuse. But what concerns me about her article is that it may well set off a storm of PTSD for victims, that it challenges the notion that churches can and are safe, and that it turns all men into potential abusers. Years ago, in an “Unlearning Racism” workshop, the facilitator spoke about her concerns with the “Take Back the Night Marches” that were regularly held in communities all over the country. Her concern was that she refuses to give men the identity of “potential rapists.” So men were all perpetrators and women all victims. Both identities diminished the humanity of both the men and the women. It took me a long time to come around to what she was saying. In theory all men could be rapists but we know for a fact that they are not. And in theory, all women could be victims but they are not. So I don’t want the “fact” that 1 in 33 men is an abuser to be the identity we ascribe to men in churches. To do so is to begin a “witch hunt” and to create an atmosphere of fear and suspicion in a congregation. This does not seem like the “beloved community” we love to proclaim as UU’s.
For the record, WUUC does do background checks on all adults who work with or provide care to our children and youth. We follow the safe congregation policy of there being at least two adults at all times in a classroom or on trips. Because Carrie and I have both taken the online course, “Sexual Issues for Religious Professionals,” I have given thought to how WUUC would deal with a sexual offender who wanted to be a part of our congregation. And both Carrie and I have an unwritten procedure for how to deal with accusations of a sexual inappropriateness or abuse within the congregation. The congregation voted in a covenant last year that outlines, “what is between our hearts.” So WUUC is doing many of the right things to prevent and address the possibility of abuse.
I have often said almost anything can be said from the pulpit. The key is in how it is talked about. How it is framed, how it is placed in context with some clear boundaries around it. Now that the issue of sexual abuse has been brought out into the open via the article in the UU World, I am hoping that we at WUUC can also talk more about it, what it is, the facts, how to prevent it, how to deal with the aftermath of it. We do a great job of talking to and teaching our kids about such matters through our OWL programs. But the adult OWL offering has never had enough folks signed up to make the class a go. Maybe now it will be different.
It is true that we cannot promise without a doubt that our churches are entirely “safe” places. Yet we can do all that we are able to make them so. And be ready to respond if abuse is alleged or committed. We may find the limits of our own and our community’s compassion. Kimberly French says, “It may be an impossible challenge to believe in the worth of people who have done heinous things. The First Principle may serve better as a commandment for our own moral behavior…”
So my friends let us speak openly and safely, about the issue of abuse. Let us do all we can to prevent it and all we can to address it when the issue arises. Let us lead with compassion for all who suffer because of abuse.
Peace, Shalom, Salaam,
Rev. Lo
by WUUC | Oct 28, 2014 | Minister Blog
Click for November’s theme, GRATITUDE.
November. The theme: gratitude. It comes in all sizes. It need not be eloquent. It can be spoken or unspoken. Shared or kept quietly to one’s self. It can be written down or prayed or merely noted.
Maybe it is age but each day seems to bring about an ever-increasing attitude of gratitude. Even on days that are filled with an awareness of the gravity of our failing earth and failing humanity, gratitude cannot be crowded out. Each moment carrying within it the potential for gratitude.
Gratitude: for candles holding the light in a power outage. And for the absolute silence that accompanied the outage. For the fiery tips of the maple leaves. For the glimpse of the raptor riding the wind high above. For foraging for chanterelles. For the fullness of the rain’s return. For a feather found. For the hug requested by a 5 year old. For a night wrapped in flannel sheets and the woodstove’s warmth on my friends houseboat. For the tears I see on the faces of those in worship. And for the hands or arms of comfort offered. For the sure and steady return to health of those who have had health crises. For those who keep our world from total collapse through their faithfulness and discipline of meditation and prayer. For laughter and the chance to play and be silly. For poetry first thing in the morning. For what is created when a group gives itself to imagination. For the way the sanctuary holds both memories and possibilities when it sits “empty.” For a sense of Mystery. For a cold glass of water. For the nuzzling up of the dog on the couch. For warmth and shelter and food and clean water and a partner and employment and transportation and relative health and dear friends and family.
And you?
November. Tis the season- for gratitude…
Rev. Lo
by WUUC | Oct 9, 2014 | Minister Blog
Family Word Cloud
I remember reading a one-page article that appeared in the back of Ms. Magazine sometime in the 1970’s or early 1980’s. I think the title was something like “My Family Is Not Broken.” It was written by someone who was tired of hearing that her family was broken because it was a family of divorce and only consisted of she and her mother. She never felt the brokenness, she never felt the lack of a father. She and her mother were a solid, whole unit. Imagine walking around as a child hearing your family referred to as “broken” or yourself as “a product of a broken home.”
Today there are probably other family configurations that people would refer to as broken: grandparents raising children, families with an incarcerated parent, families where a woman is inseminated and has raised her child alone, foster families, families in which a parent has transitioned genders, etc. Yet they are not broken either, just different. Why do we insist on labeling and judging families against an outdated model of what a family is? Being a family is hard enough without adding a layer of societal marginalization.
And even when we love our families (however we define them), we can ride a roller coaster of emotions in regard to them. Families just come with “stuff” attached. Each family has its own set of patterns and dynamics. And God help the family member who wants to try and change them: everyone rebels consciously or unconsciously to maintain the status quo. We often joke that when a child is born we should start two funds: a college fund and a therapy fund for all the ways in which we will screw them up. But whatever the dynamic, freedom comes when any of us decides that whatever went wrong in our childhood will not ruin the rest of our lives. That we will not be “broken” by our families, that we are able and capable to make our way forward in the world.
At its best, family is a safe, nurturing place. A place where we are loved and where we learn to love. Where we get to practice relationships. Where we learn what it means to be alive. What breaks a family is not is configuration but an interruption in love. May all of our families be bound by love…
Rev. Lo
by WUUC | Sep 23, 2014 | Minister Blog
Many of you probably heard the same NPR report that I did this morning. It was about the 12 Jews left in all of Egypt. Twelve. Some of those left are elderly in care facilities with no family. The synagogues are mostly closed. The building that housed all of the birth and death records for the Jewish community lies filthy and in disrepair, all the files in need of organization. The Jewish cemetery, one of the oldest at 1500 years old is unkempt and untended.
Apparently the 100,000 Jews that used to live in Egypt were expelled in the 1950’s and 1960’s when Egypt was in conflict with Israel. Jews were thought to be spies. How these 12 remained, I have no idea. And what has it been like for them to watch their history and culture disappear? Who will be left to mourn or remember? How soon before they join the worlds disappeared?
This report aired on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year that is marked by a ten-day period of reflection, review, and repentance of the past year. The period ends with the High Holy day, Yom Kippur with a 25 hour fast, the symbolic casting off of sins and the tasting of apples dipped in the sweetness of honey to signify a sweet beginning to the new year.
Coincidentally I happen to be reading Simon Wiesenthal’s book, The Sunflower, which relates his Holocaust experience and the question of “the possibilities and limits of forgiveness.” A series of essays by different authors is added to the book to explore this very question of the possibilities and limits of forgiveness. One of these authors, Cynthia Ozick, has written in other anthologies of the consequences of the Jewish Holocaust. She talks about not just the loss of life that happened but the loss of potential. Of what could have been created or offered the world by those who were slaughtered. That empty void created by the loss of those voices that can never be filled.
It makes me wonder about the last 12 Jews in Egypt. After their deaths, there will be no others to contribute or carry. An entire people’s voice will be lost. I find myself struggling to find the sweet taste of the honey-dipped apple in the midst of this bitter reality.
Rev. Lo
by WUUC | Sep 12, 2014 | Minister Blog
Click for Monthly Theme Actions
Years ago, a former colleague of mine said in reply to my frustration with how long it took to get things done around the church that, “The business of the church is not to be efficient; it is to empower people.” And though churches often quack like non-profits and often times act like non-profits, they are not a non-profit. Yes, churches need to be fiscally responsible and even have systems of governance that ensure the democratic process. But the reality of how most churches function would drive anyone with an MBA crazy. Why? Because we are committed to process and inclusion rather than practicality and sharply defined rules and regulations. We value the process over the end product. Relationship will always trump administrative efficiency.
We look to churches to provide a community to belong to, a place where we can be spiritually and religiously grounded. We want them to be places where who we are is affirmed and celebrated. We want to come fully as we are without apology, and at the same time, leave ourselves open to the possibility that if we throw our lot in with this community, our life might be changed. And just as we “seek to be understood,” we are realizing that perhaps the more urgent task is “to seek to understand.” That is what is required of us in a religiously pluralistic community. We are not all on the same page, plane or planet, yet we choose to stay and listen and learn and be challenged and grow.
Another colleague shared this statement from a 15 year old in her congregation: “Church is the place I go to when the world has forgotten who I am.” How profound and how true a statement, not just for a 15 year old, but any of us. For our world often seems impersonal and empty, on fast-forward, unaware of any of us as human be-ings (versus do-ings) of worth. I depend on “church” to remind each of us who we are and what we are called to be.
Father Dan Homan and Lonni Collins Pratt, authors of Radical Hospitality, write that we “help people remember who they are by listening.” Deeply. Without judgment. Some of us intuitively know how to do this. Others of us have to learn and practice this deep listening. It involves making space in our hearts by committing ourselves to “listen for the more that is woven into all that is” beneath and all around the one who is speaking. It means opening ourselves up beyond fear. This is anything but efficient. But it is the work of empowerment, the work of the church.
Are you game?
Rev. Lo
The winter issue of the UU World is up online now and the hard copies will be arriving in our mailboxes shortly. The article by Kimberly French entitled “Offenders Among Us” explores the question congregations being open to both the victims of sexual abuse and the perpetrators of sexual abuse. She says that when this issue arose in her home congregation, emotions ran hot and high. They struggled with how to balance “the need for both safety and compassion.”